12 Things To Do For A Dateless Valentine's Day

1. Wear black, and lots of it.

2. If someone else in the office
has received flowers, chocolate,
singing telegrams, and other forms
of dating expressions, glare at them.
Snarling and grunting optional.

3. Same goes for anyone wearing excessive
amounts of red. Especially if they are
wearing heart-shaped items like pins.

4. Later in the day, eat the chocolate,
run the flowers through a food processor,
and beat the crap out of the singing
telegram people. (Most people will thank
you for this, anyway).

4. For the rest of the day, labor over
the effect all that chocolate is
gonna have on your waistline.

5. Return home and destroy at least
one item given to you by an ex.

6. Feel guilty. Call the ex.
Make up story about having a hot date.

7. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing
every channel is airing a clone of
"While You Were Sleeping" or, worse yet,
a "Friends" Valentine's Day.

8. Realize how lame not having a hot date is.
Head to bar.

9. Plot massive torture of anyone who shows
up at the bar with a date. Slow torture if
the couple is in anything above semi-formal dress.

10. Massive quantities of alcohol.
Beer goggling. Wake up next to someone
- male or female - with way too
much facial hair.

11. Remember (and regret) this incident
for the next 364 days. Complain about
never having a good Valentines Day.

12. Wait until some bizarre calendar date
Hallmark has labeled "Sweetest Day."
Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice
for next Valentine's Day.